WHOLE30 THOUGHTS AND FEELS

Hey friends! It's been a while since I last complained about the scam also known as the Whole30.

Unless, of course, you've asked me about my experience and I've launched into a 30-minute long monologue where I complain about it. Because then like why are you even reading this post? You already know my thoughts & feelz.

Keep on reading for my very candid review of the Whole30!



I want to preface this entire post by saying that even though I'm calling the Whole30 a scam, I think there could be a ton of benefits for certain people. It's definitely a challenge that makes you rethink how you view food, so if you have an unhealthy relationship with dieting or eating or think you have a serious food allergy, it's a great place to start. That said, I don't think it's sustainable long-term and don't think it's healthy to live your life like this.

LET'S GET STARTED.


Why is breakfast so hard?

Breakfast is probably my favorite meal of the day. I love waking up and making a big ol' breakfast of avocado toast (I am who I am), oatmeal, overnight oats, or pancakes/waffles. Guess what? Every single one of those things is banned on the Whole30. (Ok, technically you can make pancakes with eggs and bananas but it's strongly discouraged.) If you don't like eggs, you'll hate the Whole30. I think eggs are fine, but by morning #4 I was so freaking sick of them. Plus, I realized that eating so many eggs was low key making my stomach upset. 💩

Did you know that 99% of affordable breakfast meat (bacon, sausage, etc.) has added sugar in it? Yep, me neither. After dropping $9 on bacon twice I was like, "LOL who do I think I am, Jeff Bezos?" so I bought some ground chorizo from Sprouts and ate that with my sweet potato toast, which I actually really enjoyed.

But dang did I miss my toast.

The Hangover Phase.

I thought I was dying during Day 3. I spent most of the day complaining to my friend Morgan, and the other part of my day complaining on the internet and taking naps. This phase is awful x 2394872938. I had been out of town prior to beginning my Whole30, but honestly, my diet beforehand wasn't bad (more on that later) so I actually can't imagine what this phase would be like for someone who drinks multiple sodas a day, constantly eats fast food, etc. Be very aware. This 48-hour phase was enough to make me HATE the Whole30, but also made me not want to quit. IIWII.

What Tiger Blood?

I never felt the infamous Tiger Blood. I never woke up on my own, I never felt like I could go without coffee, and I felt exactly like I did before the Whole30 (and before the awful hangover phase) but I wasn't enjoying any of life's pleasures, like a cheeseburger.

I just want a cheeseburger

This thought ran through my head almost daily for 30 days. It's not fun, friends. Sure, you can make your own burger but it's just not the same. And it's definitely not as good as it could be with a big fat slice of disgusting processed cheese on it. Yeah, I said what I said. And I mean it.

Whole30 for one

Cooking for one is hard enough. Cooking for one for 3 meals a day 7 days a week is exhausting and horrible. I can't imagine what my life would have been like had I not had Chipotle down the street. Their Whole30 bowl saved my LIFE. And I never exaggerate.

I tried to meal prep the best that I could so I always had food on hand and never was tempted to break the Whole30. This meant 6 straight days of jalapeno turkey burgers, and honestly, by day 4 I had to force it down by covering it in overpriced ketchup and giant sips of La Croix.

I felt like I also never really got to try a ton of Whole30 recipes because 99% of them were geared toward families (or a couple) and I'm too lazy to do the math to make it a single serving. (Plus, I already had the ingredients on hand. So!)


I'm basically a potato

Thank God that all kinds of potatoes are approved on the Whole30. I ate an entire potato with every single meal that I did during the Whole30. We're talkin' a sweet potato for breakfast, sweet potato fries for lunch (with those dang burgers), and a white potato (with ghee and sea salt - SO GOOD) for dinner. I have no idea what I would have done without potatoes. Here's to you, my starchy, carby friends.

Everything I couldn't live without

Speaking of potatoes... here's a list of things I couldn't live without during my Whole30:
1. Frank's Red Hot (bae, I put this sh*t on everything)
2. Primal Kitchen Mayo (for my Whole30 approved Buffalo Chicken Dip! 🔥)
3. Primal Kitchen Ranch
4. Primal Kitchen Ketchup
5. Ghee (clarified butter - no dairy and delish on potatoes)
6. Sea Salt (I also put this sh*t on everything)
7. Balsamic Vinegar (love u)
8. Olive Oil (love u too)
9. Avocados (I ate an entire avocado every day because the high-fat content kept me full with basically no carbs GBYE)
10. Almonds (thanks for being my movie theater snack. But also, you'll never replace popcorn.)
11. Chomps Beef Sticks
12. La Croix (💞- I had two of these every day #yolo)
13. Whole30 Chipotle Bowl. (You saved my life. I'll never be able to repay you.)

...and probably so many more that I'm forgetting. Condiments make life worth living, folks.

(I spent at least $40 on Whole30 approved condiments from Primal Kitchen. But guess what, it was worth it because making ranch dressing sounds v hard)

Spoiler Alert: it's actually the Whole40

It's day 30! You're feeling great. You can taste the cheeseburger that's only 24 hours away. Except - guess what? You have to spend the next 10 days slowly reintroducing food groups one at a time, with an entire Whole30 day in between. Yep, that's one day for gluten. *whole30* One day for dairy. *whole30* One day for soy. *whole30* One day for sugar *whole30* One day for everything else that makes life worth living.

If you're like me and don't have any time for that business, I had no problem reintroducing foods all at once. And by all at once, I mean I literally had peanut butter, quinoa, and Taco Bell on Day 31. Then I had cheese fries and a cheeseburger and a Moscow Mule and ice cream on day 32. And I felt fine.

(Okay, I felt like I had just eaten a giant meal at a restaurant and didn't feel amazing but I didn't puke and I definitely didn't wake up with hives so I'm counting it as a win.)


Is it worth it? And what I learned.

I was expecting to walk away from the Whole30 with a ton of clarity. I didn't think I had any food sensitivities (outside of the normal ones that everyone (yes everyone, looking at you, dairy farmers) has).

My diet before the Whole30 was honestly really similar to my diet on the Whole30, aside from breakfast and a few things I put on my salad (like quinoa and corn) and the occasional "cheat day." Most days during the week, I had toast in the morning, a salad for lunch, and chicken and vegetables for dinner. I would treat myself from time to time because ya girl loves a good brownie, but I never ate the whole pan or did that multiple weekends in a row.

So... is it worth it? No. Not in my experience, at least. I already knew everything the Whole30 taught me: nobody should eat a gallon of cheese or an entire loaf of bread. You will get bloated, your head will hurt, and you won't feel great.

I felt exactly the same as I did pre-Whole30 but without cheese and wine. What's the point?

Oh, except peanut butter gives me a headache now. But life is too short to not have peanut butter, so I guess I will suffer. #PBforever

Who do I think it would benefit?

All that said, I do think that the Whole30 would benefit some people. If you know you have an unhealthy relationship with food, think you have a food sensitivity, want to reset your gut health, or are just generally looking to make a lifestyle change, do it. Take the challenge! It's just 30 days. Anyone can do anything for a month. But don't half-ass it. If you commit to the challenge you need to commit. We're talking throwing away your chips, pouring out your sodas, and moving your ice cream and chocolate to the back of the freezer (don't throw those away - they're too good).

Remember that everything is about your choices. Which brings me to...



Just have a piece of the dang cake.

Life is short. Eat the dang cake. Have your ice cream. Drink your wine. Go to dinner with friends and get a cheeseburger and cheese fries. (Okay, maybe don't do that... too often.)

But do everything in moderation. If you want to live a long and happy life, treat your body with love and respect. Don't overeat junk food and for the love of God, please cut down on sodas.

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